What do DGTussinDM, Delsum, Robitussin, Mucinex, Nyquil, and Rexall DM Cough Relief have in common? Me! I’ve tried them all in the last week. They also have this in common. They didn’t work. I’m still coughing. I think I have the CRUD.

At least that’s what other people are calling it. I don’t think my doctor called it that. He just told me that “something’s going around.” In my humble and accurate opinion, if “something’s going around” and affecting everybody I know, I think it’s time to catch that “something that’s going around.” But, wait. I guess we all have already caught it.

That’s a funny way to say that we all have a common ailment. “I think I have caught a cold.” I don’t remember chasing it!

The CRUD comes on slowly, but not so slowly that you don’t know it. You sort of know when that drainage begins. It comes in the middle of the night just so that it can keep you from sleeping. It’s bothersome and you think that if you swallow enough it will go away. It doesn’t. The fact of the matter is that a little cough is added to the drainage, which makes your throat sore.

You know what I’m talking about and your desire is to nip it in the bud, as ole Barney Fife might have said. So, after the first night of sleeplessness, you determine to go to the drug store and get some over-the-counter medicine.

It’s probably not the case, but it seems that choices are in the thousands. Do I want to suppress the cough? Yes, I’ll get a suppressant.

But, what about the drainage? I want to get rid of the drainage, too, so I’ll get an expectorant. What’s an expectorant? Contrary to what you think an expectorant to be, you cannot “expect” the expectorant to do what you expect.

I need help and get the attention of a pharmacist. I explain, quite confidently, that I am in the early stages of a cold and believe that if I can jump on it now, I can keep it from growing into a terminal illness.

On cue, thankfully, I cough a little.

That should have given him a clue, but I don’t know. He suggests some pills.

“These have Guaifenesin and Dextromethorphan,” he says. Show off!

“Pills!” I reply. “I need some cough syrup. Make it sweet and thick so when I’m through coughing, I can use it on pancakes.” I don’t think he got my joke.

I took his advice and started taking the pills immediately. It only took about 30 seconds before I coughed again. These aren’t working, I thought. What I really need is some coughing medicine. Then I remembered.

In the old days, they used whiskey mixed with something to take as cough medicine. The only problem was that I didn’t have any whiskey handy and I can’t buy whiskey. Somebody might see me. Plus, how could whiskey help a cough? I don’t know, but they seemed not to mind after a little of the medicine.

I mentioned my problem in church last Sunday and someone told me what to do.

“Take some castor oil,” he shouted from the pew.

Castor oil! My granny used to think castor oil cured anything. Stumped your toe? Take some castor oil.

Something going around? Take some castor oil. Got a flat tire? Take some castor oil.

Let me tell you. Castor oil was some nasty stuff, but it worked. I don’t know if castor oil would cure CRUD, but it sure would take my mind off the cough!